Did you get all that? My Mr. Not so Perfect but Perfect Enough to Make Me Happy, am I the only one that has had one of these?
Well if you haven’t had one of these, YOU ARE NOT LIVING. Sorry, I didn’t mean to raise my voice at you, I got carried away. But have you ever had someone that made you realize all along you were making the wrong choices in men and he was the right one? No? Me either.
Well I came close, he was in short everything I had wanted but none of which I had sought and dated. I have a problem that I always go for people that are not on my level. I think it has something to do with me always wanting to be in the driver’s seat. Everyone I’ve always dated I’ve had one up on them someway. I’ve convinced myself I see more than what meets the eye but now that I’m looking for someone to walk the journey with equally, I’m experiencing that challenge itself.
With that in mind, to a certain extent it may explain what my challenge is with dating. I’m so used to being the best, I may have no idea what I’m doing to cause my own fate. Something to think about. But back to Mr. NotMineAtThisTime.
He was everything I knew I needed but never went after. The only problem was we started something and it broke apart because he wasn’t sure a relationship was what he wanted at the time. Of course you can wait, but waiting on someone to want what you want is almost as bad as waiting for America to not be a superpower anymore. You never know when it’s going to happen and realistically this does nothing but break you down inside. So I had to go, I had to leave.
In the end I did leave, but all I created was a complicated mess that neither side has the courage to confront. We don’t spend time as we once did when we were dating, but we talk often. He knows me and I know him and it’s beautiful to witness, but hell to be in. This is the feeling I get every time I see him. I’m always happy to see him but I know being around him will make whatever this is, more complicated.
We’ve gone through a period of not speaking which was entirely my fault. I knew he wasn’t at a particular place but every time we were around one another, all my feelings would come to the top and I’d want to speak, try to bring it out of him. This did nothing but made me angry. In the end, I got tired. Here was a man if he asked for anything he could have received. We spoke about how we felt emotionally and it was always equal, but he wouldn’t act on it, because he wasn’t ready for a long term relationship. How long could I wait when I wanted more from him than what I was getting?
I often wonder what would have happened if I had waited around, would we be in a relationship? Maybe not, because every time I see him it’s the most quietest emotional fight ever, but no one wants to be the first to clear the air, or address what we’re both feeling. It’s almost like a war, but with no words.
At least I can smile in knowing that he thinks about me as much as I think about him, at least I’m not the only tortured soul.
But someday, I will snap again and tell him exactly how I feel and if we can’t do something about it, I’ll decide to completely leave his life forever. It is impossible to live tortured knowing that everyone you date doesn’t measure up to the one guy that just isn’t ready to commit fully.