I expect little from a man, because I expect little from my father.

I don’t even expect any real support from a man – besides probably school fee payments and basic needs.

There is no emotional support. There are no kind words, no hugs, no “I love yous” – not even lunch money! LOL

Don’t get me wrong, my father is a very hard working man. And he handles his bills. He ensured that his children had food to eat, clothes on their backs and a warm bed to sleep in at night. My father taught me that hard work and education is how to get ahead in life.

But the other part, the part that influences my choice in men – that part was nonexistent.

In analyzing my past relationships, I have realized that I build resentment towards the men that I have in fact chosen to be in my life, because they do not provide the support I truly need and want. This support is a primal instinct, a need built into my DNA that I am not even conscious of. That specific need to be appreciated and doted upon.

My goals are all based on financial or career situations – I want to be successful and have a great career, naturally, but where does family life and personal relationships fit in? These goals are harder to come up with, because I have received no true guidance as to how they should be attained and developed.

The man that is actually there for you all the time, the man that is emotionally supportive even though I may not have the wiring to be, the man that supports me financially without me asking – knowing what I have to do and just deciding to do it, the man that I do not have to nag because he makes my needs (not necessarily wants) a priority for him. The man that understands me, even though I am nonunderstandable (that can’t be a word lol) and I know he exists.

I think that is why my choices are so poor. Either it is the man that doesn’t know how to treat a woman, the man with no drive/ambition, the emotionally unavailable/has a girlfriend or the married man. Men that I am attracted to because of their emotional unavailability and men that give me the “Superwoman complex”, perhaps because this is what I am and therefore this is what I attract..  And I really see why women just make arrangements to have sex for money (see previous post https://singleislandgal.wordpress.com/2012/09/20/hoes-stay-winning-while-good-girls-do-nothing/). That way, you know exactly what is being expected from you, and what you will get in return. You can handle all obligations, without feeling as though you are giving and not receiving.

That’s how I feel. I provide this happiness and feeling of joy, take all your stresses away. Lightheartedness and no stress here. Great sex. Chill time. Cook occasionally (I stopped after reading the previous post as well). Intelligent. Have goals for myself. Ambitious. Hard working. I bring a lot to the table, and I am proud of it.

After reading the blog today that another friend posted, it said that men value you as much as you value yourself. And by looking at the true support that I get, in all ways: emotionally, financially, spiritually, physically, everything – I have drawn a conclusion that I put less value on myself than I think I do. If I valued myself more, then I don’t think that I would tolerate certain situations as much as I have, or I would get myself in the situations that I do. I feel as though if I respected myself more, then I would gain the same respect I require. Is this in fact the case? Or am I putting too much pressure on myself yet again.

What is the value of me? How has my father and home life influenced this?

What do you think?

…To be continued…