That bad feeling that you can’t shake no matter how many inspirational songs you listen to or inspirational quotes you read, you just can’t shake it. Yeah that’s how I feel now, unfortunately.
Hopefully after I’m done writing, I’ll be able to shake shake shake it off, who sings that btw? Anyway…so you know how we as women encourage each other to never allow a man or anyone else to make us feel less than? Or no matter what we do for someone, how much we hold back from allowing them to hurt us, they do something that can threaten to break us all down in a split second? No? Well me either I was just hoping ya’ll could relate before I go in.
I’m tired, that’s why I made this blog. To share my experiences, because believe it or not things are so funny, you can’t help but share it with others. But experience is the best teacher, I can joke around tell you experiences but to be able to hold a strong position on something you have to have gone through it. And…the only thing I haven’t been through is marriage, divorce and death. Anything else, take a number if I haven’t I’ve had someone close to me experience it and I can share it with you.
I keep promising myself I wouldn’t give all of me to anyone other than my husband, but I’ve come to realize I don’t know what it is to NOT give all of me. Anything I do, I do to perfection. Sometimes I trust when I shouldn’t, sometimes I let people in when I shouldn’t, but I realize this is what makes us uniquely human especially me. I can’t monitor what I give people, I can’t withhold feelings or emotions, it’s something that just happens. If I had an on or off buttons for feelings, God would have to hide mine because I would switch off and on so many times.
Maybe this is why I feel tortured. I feel tormented, I feel like I’m ready to be a straight up lesbian. I can’t seem to correctly sum up enough words to describe the male gender, the opposite sex. People act as if emotions are expendable, as if people hearts are just there and they don’t really hurt. We’ve all done some shitty things in life, some things we are far from proud of, but all the good people are aware of this and make it so they don’t hurt another person again, at least not intentionally. ALL I REALLY WANT IS SOMEONE I CAN LET MY GUARD DOWN WITH, COOK FOR, HAVE GOOD SEX AND TOTALLY TRUST THAT HE’LL BE MINE, ALL MINE? is this too much to ask for?
What happens if every time you think you’ve found someone who has fit this description, they somewhat let you down? Do you stay and keep forgiving them? Or do you leave? Do you think logically about why someone is acting the way they are, or do you do what’s best for you? After all your heart does exist and it’s probably so tired and so worn out as you read this.
I always made excuses for the male gender, I always believed because women were the ones to think with emotions that we were so much messier than men. But that’s not even remotely true is it? Our emotions make us humans without them we’ll be another man who seem to be mixed up as hell. Sure, women don’t know what they want but men are just as mixed up as women. And the sad part about it, because men are the head of relationships we give in to them, give ourselves to them to find out they’re just as mixed up as a woman. What a day.
When I find myself giving parts of me to someone, trusting them with my emotions and my heart and when they mess up, I always feel sick to my stomach. I always feel as if, I can start vomiting and every feeling and emotion associated with them can quickly disappear and I won’t ever have to feel like this again. Unfortunately, unless I make a conscious effort to be with myself and save my emotions for weddings and funerals, this is something I’m destined to go through all the time.
I’m done ranting…the feeling is still in the pit of my stomach. I’m sure this is nothing couple hours of sleep can’t change. Until then, be good. I’m out. Love ya’ll xoxoxo